Here’s something most people don’t know about therapy: research shows it’s not the fancy techniques, trendy modalities, or brilliant interventions that make the biggest difference.
It’s the relationship between the therapist and client.

That connection between you and your therapist — how safe you feel, how understood you feel, how much you trust them — is the single most important factor in whether therapy actually helps you reach your goals.

But here’s the catch: most people don’t pick a therapist based on connection. They see an opening on someone’s calendar, or that their insurance is accepted, or the rate is affordable, and think, Perfect! This will work. It’s not wrong to consider those things (because hello, therapy has to fit into your life), but it leaves out the most crucial piece: the fit between you and them. And this isn’t talked about enough, even in the conversations amongst therapists.

Therapists aren’t one-size-fits-all. We can’t be. And we shouldn’t be.

We might have similar degrees and training, but each of us has different areas of experience, different styles, life experiences, values, and yes — different personalities, which cannot (and in my opinion should not) be completely removed from the therapy space. And because therapy is so relational, that chemistry matters. You could work with the most highly trained therapist in the world and still not make the changes you’re hoping to see simply due to incompatible personalities.

It’s not about either person being “wrong.” Just like in real life, there are people you instantly vibe with, and others who make you feel… well, off. And if either you or your therapist is spending the whole session quietly managing irritation, discomfort, or triggers — especially when those aren’t the reason you came in for therapy— it slows down the progress toward your actual goals, if not preventing it completely.

There is something to be said about the use of transference in sessions and the therapist’s responsibility to work on countertransference outside of sessions, but ultimately if these are issues that continue to come up, it greatly impacts the ability to work towards identified goals.

That’s why figuring out if you’re a good fit with your therapist is essential. Sometimes you know in the first consultation (which I STRONGLY encourage you to utilize if the prospective therapist offers them); sometimes it takes a few sessions. And while it’s not fun to realize, “Hmm… this isn’t working,” starting over with someone new can actually save you months of stalled progress. It’s like walking away from any situation when you realize you’re spending more time trying to force something to work when it’s just not.

I know that this approach can feel controversial because we typically don’t shop around for our healthcare providers. You don’t usually pick your dentist based on personality. But therapy is different. It’s personal. It’s deep. It’s vulnerable. And most importantly it’s relational. And the healing often comes through the relationship itself — those corrective emotional experiences that help you see yourself and others in a new way.

If you’re in therapy right now and you don’t feel seen, understood, or comfortable I need you to hear me say this. TELL YOUR THERAPIST. It’s okay to say to your therapist (in session or email if that’s more comfortable, just do it), “I think I need something different.” It’s not a dig at them. It’s not a failure on your part. It’s just human connection doing what it does — and you deserve a therapist who’s the right fit for you.

Here’s your quick Therapist Fit Checklist:

1. You feel understood.
Not just “they nod while you talk,” but you leave sessions thinking, Wow, they really get me.

**not every session is going to be a home-run where you leave having made tons of new connections or having action steps, but you should feel seen and supported at the very least. Also note that silence can be an effective intervention to get clients to slow down so it in it of itself is not necessary a bad thing. It should be balanced though.

2. You can be honest without fear of judgment.
You don’t edit yourself to avoid awkwardness. 

**You might feel awkward after sharing something or after a session. That’s okay. Make sure you feel comfortable enough with your therapist to address that!

3. You see some progress (even if it’s small).
It doesn’t have to be huge breakthroughs every week, but you’re noticing shifts — in your thoughts, your coping, or your perspective.

**You can also ask your therapist if they are seeing changes if you’re struggle to identify progress yourself. Also be reasonable about how fast you expect progress to occur; healing isn’t an overnight thing.

4. You feel safe enough to be challenged.
A good therapist doesn’t just comfort you; they gently push you when it matters, and you can handle that push because the trust is there.

5. Their style works for you.
Some therapists are direct, others are more reflective. Some give homework, some don’t. There’s no right answer — but if their approach feels off, you’ll know.

Signs it might be time to move on:

• You leave most sessions feeling misunderstood or unseen.
• You’re avoiding certain topics because you don’t feel safe bringing them up.
• Sessions feel stagnant, like you’re going in circles with no real change.
• The therapist’s communication style consistently rubs you the wrong way.

If you decide it’s not a fit:
It’s okay to say so — and you don’t have to give a long explanation or caretake for your therapist’s potential emotions. A simple, “I think I need to try a different approach” works. You can ask your current therapist for referrals; a good therapist will want you to find the right support, even if it’s not with them. You can also do your own research on Psychology Today, TherapyDen, social media, or even Google.

Keep in mind to that the therapist might recognize that it is not a good fit between you and them. While this can be an incredibly painful conversation, it is what an ethical therapist MUST do.

Therapy is too important to settle for a “meh” connection. You deserve a therapeutic relationship that feels safe, supportive, and effective. After all, that’s where the healing happens.

If you’ve ever switched therapists, what helped you know it was the right call?